


i dont eat trolls

by lokium



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Flanders and Swann - Freeform, awful humour and lack of fish puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 19:09:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokium/pseuds/lokium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a homestuckian take on a flanders and swann song, the reluctant cannibal, featuring eridan as julian, and ensemble as the tribe. (not really any feferi/eridan, just a mention of their moirallegiance)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i dont eat trolls

Seated one day at the campfire, there was a welcome shout from the cooking fire.  
“Come and get it! Roast leg of rustblood!”  
A chorus of ‘yum’’s ran round the fire:  
AA: yum  
AT: uHH, yUM,  
TA: yum yum  
AC: :33 < yum  
GA: Yum  
GC: YUM >:]  
AG: yum!!!!!!!!  
CT: D --> yum  
TC: YuM :o)  
CC: yum! 38P  
CG: FUCKING YUM  
Except for Eridan, who pushed away his plate, got up from his seat, and said,  
CA: i dont wwant any part of it  
CC: what? why not? 38?  
CA: i dont eat people  
GC: EH? >:?  
CA: i wwont eat people  
AG: huh????????  
CA: i dont eat people  
TA: ii mu2t be goiing deaf  
CA: eatin people is wwrong  
GC: 1T’S WRONG?  
CA: dont eat people  
CG: YOU’VE GONE CLEAN OUT OF YOUR THINK PAN  
CA: i wwont eat people!  
TC: WhAt’S aLl Up AnD bEiN tHe MaTtEr WiTh ThIs BrO?  
CA: dont eat people!  
TA: he keep2 on repeatiing  
TA: “eatiing people iis bad”  
GA: But People Have Always Eaten People  
GA: What Else Is There To Eat  
GA: If Troll Jegus Hadnt Meant For Us To Eat People  
GA: He Wouldnt Have Made Us Of Meat  
CA: ... dont eat people!  
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, NOT AGAIN  
CA: i wwont eat people!  
CG: ALL THE NIGHT LONG  
CG: ‘DON’T EAT PEOPLE’ HE KEEPS FUCKING SAYING  
CG: ‘EATING PEOPLE IS WRONG’  
CC: I, well, I’ve never heard a more ridiculous idea in my LIF-E! To think that a morayeel of mine should grow up to be a sissy?! M-E? Chief assistant to the assistant chief? I suppose you reelise if this was to get around we might never get shellf-government?  
CA: i wwont eat people.  
CC: have you been glubbing to one of your codsorts again? You’re not getting to be one of these plankton that think eating people is crueel, are you, sea a troll sitting in a port and think he’s seafaring? Oh, it’s not like that at all! Why, he’s just had an invi-gar-ating chase through the seaweed, he’s sitting there in the nice warm water with all the prawns and dumplings and things, and he’s thinking, oh, the pleasure and happiness I’m going to give to a whole heap of people, that troll in the port, he enjoys it  
CA: eatin people is wwrong  
TA: look, ed, ed, ii admiire your 2iinceriity. alway2 be 2iincere, whether you mean iit or not. you’re young, when you’re young you thiink you can change the whole world overday, even eatiing people, ii know, ii’ve been young my2elf. take iit from me, you’ve ju2t got to learn to take the world a2 iit ii2.  
CA: i wwont let another troll pass my lips!  
CG: HAHA FUCKASS. I KNOW WHY YOU SAY DON’T EAT PEOPLE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A COWARD, ERIDAN, THAT’S YOUR TROUBLE, YOU’RE A YELLOW-BLOOD PROCESSING ORGANED COWARD (NO OFFENCE SOLLUX – WAIT, ACTUALLY, OFFENCE, SOLLUX). YOU WOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH EATING PEOPLE IF YOU WEREN’T TERRIFIED OF ENDING UP IN THE FUCKING POT YOURSELF. IT’S FUCKING NAUSEATING. YOU’RE LIABLE TO GET ONE OF US IN THE HOT WATER.  
CA: i wwont eat people!  
CT: D --> stop this f001ishness at once!  
CA: i dont eat people!  
AT: uH, i, uH, i WOULDN’T IF I WERE YOU  
CA: eatin people is wwrong!  
AG: c8mmunist!!!!!!!! Going 8round s8ying don’t 8 people, th8t’s the w8y to m8k people h8 you. We alw8s have 8en people, alw8s will 8 people – you can’t ch8nge trollian n8ure.  
CA: i wwont eat people i dont eat people i wwont eat people GLUB I WWONT EAT PEOPLE  
AC: :// *whispers to AA* must’ve b33n som3on3 h3 at3...  
CA: EATIN PEOPLE IS OUT  
GC: 1 G1V3 UP, 1 G1V3 UP, H3 US3D TO B3 4 R3GUL4R 4NTHROPOPH4G3... 1F TH1S CR4ZY 1D34L1ST1C 1D34 OF YOURS W3R3 TO C4TCH ON, 1 DONT KNOW WH3R3 W3 WOULD 4LL B3... JUST 4BOUT RU1N OUR 3NT1R4 1NT3RNAL 3CONOMY... FORTUN4T3LY 1 SUPPOS3 1T C4TCH1NG ON 1SNT V3RY L1K3LY, WHY, YOU M1GHT JUST 4S W3LL GO 4ROUND S4YING ‘DONT F1GHT P3OPL3’ FOR 3X4MPL3  
CA: dont FIGHT people?! GLUBBING HA, WWHAT AN IDEA, WWOWW  
GC: YOU S33! (3XC3PT 1 DONT B3C4US3 1M BL1ND YOU 4SSHOL3)  
CA: AHAHAHA GLUB HAHA GLUBGLUB HHAAAA  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
“RIDICULOUS.” (“ridiculouth.”)

**Author's Note:**

> (actually the first proper hs fic i've done, somewhat disappointed that it's this, but hey. flanders and swann. i would've done all the colours and found decent fish puns but i didn't because shut up. shut up is why.)


End file.
